Saturday, September 5, 2009


So today is a bit of a hard day for me so is looking like I might need to move out of my wonderful room at the end of the month and I really don't want to. I like it here. I like my housemates, my window with sky and trees, I like the location. But there is another girl coming in October who was promised a room before I was, and if this guy Klaus decides to stay only for a couple of months then Daniel and Tanja, who own the apartment are willing to live in the living room for that time and all five of us could be here for that time. But if not, then I will need to find another place. Oh, the thought of moving again is painful for me. Not only literally, because I have quite a lot of luggage here, but it kind of makes my tummy hurt just to think about it. It feels safe here. Daniel and Tanja feel safe. And they speak German so if I ever have any questions about anything it is so helpful. 
On top of that sort of lingering dark cloud, earlier this week I was a bit bummed because I felt a bit judged, or misunderstood rather, by a girl at the church who I was really excited about potentially becoming friends with. She is American, and so I thought--Hey, it would be so awesome to have an American friend at church! But I had started to tell her a bit about my current situation/marriage ending and it felt like she kind of distanced herself from me. We were supposed to have gotten together tonight and she wrote today and said she didn't want to. It is probably completely unrelated. And I am probably paranoid because I am more judgmental about my own situation then anyone. But...all of a sudden my thoughts quickly became this long list of doomsday messages..."Oh no! I am not going to have a place to live, I will never have any friends in this city, I will be alone for the rest of my life, and I will not be able to get a job singing or do what I love." Images of Bridget Jones flashed through my mind...lonely old spinster singing to herself in pajamas with a bottle of vodka. 
Sounds kind of funny, but really doesn't feel that way. And I know that these thoughts are just lies. They are my worst fears and that is all. But there is something deep within me that gets stuck and doesn't allow myself to believe the truth that God has a purpose and a plan and he promises that if I will follow Him, WHEREVER I go, I will find green pastures. I really tried to quiet my heart and pray and asked God to help me to really believe this and trust Him...and I am still struggling with it all. So...if you are reading this, please pray for me. I need serious help. This is the first time I have really started to feel alone here. Didn't know that Debbie Downer is the real author of this blog, did you?

1 comment:

  1. Hey, D.D.,
    it was kind of a funny image that you conjured up there. Make it a margarita and I'll come drink it with you.
    I'm sorry about your experience with that gal. How is the church otherwise? I will pray for the living situation as well as the friendship situation. I find that you can be surrounded by people and yet still feel so lonely. Lala, you are one lovely person, inside and out, so I think that it will not be long before you find yourself well befriended. I wish I were there-I'd be number one in your company!