On top of that sort of lingering dark cloud, earlier this week I was a bit bummed because I felt a bit judged, or misunderstood rather, by a girl at the church who I was really excited about potentially becoming friends with. She is American, and so I thought--Hey, it would be so awesome to have an American friend at church! But I had started to tell her a bit about my current situation/marriage ending and it felt like she kind of distanced herself from me. We were supposed to have gotten together tonight and she wrote today and said she didn't want to. It is probably completely unrelated. And I am probably paranoid because I am more judgmental about my own situation then anyone. But...all of a sudden my thoughts quickly became this long list of doomsday messages..."Oh no! I am not going to have a place to live, I will never have any friends in this city, I will be alone for the rest of my life, and I will not be able to get a job singing or do what I love." Images of Bridget Jones flashed through my mind...lonely old spinster singing to herself in pajamas with a bottle of vodka.
Sounds kind of funny, but really doesn't feel that way. And I know that these thoughts are just lies. They are my worst fears and that is all. But there is something deep within me that gets stuck and doesn't allow myself to believe the truth that God has a purpose and a plan and he promises that if I will follow Him, WHEREVER I go, I will find green pastures. I really tried to quiet my heart and pray and asked God to help me to really believe this and trust Him...and I am still struggling with it all. So...if you are reading this, please pray for me. I need serious help. This is the first time I have really started to feel alone here. Didn't know that Debbie Downer is the real author of this blog, did you?