Saturday, September 12, 2009

Mein lieblings freundin von mir...

This is my favorite person in Berlin so far. My friend Anne Fleck. She made me dinner last night at her apartment and we were talking about what God has been teaching us lately. Anne actually was an exchange student in Hays, Kansas when she was in highschool, which is hilarious, so I feel like we have a special connection because of that. She has a very sort of American sense of humor and we laugh a lot so that has been really nice. God has been reminding me a lot lately about surrender and what that really looks like in my life. I have had a couple really tough moments in the last few seems like when I am so far away from home that sometimes I am even more emotional than usual. The littlest thing can seem like a mountain and then especially when it is in the morning and to call someone back home would wake them up so you don't want to do that but don't really know who else to call--man, it can be tough sometimes. I have a tendency to sort of allow myself to get into this negative place where there are all these agreements that I am making with myself--but they aren't true. Things like "well, you are never going to find a job here", for example, or "no one is ever going to love you again", or "you are never going to have a family of your own", ...I use lots of 'nevers'...and the thing is, they are just plain lies...they are all coming from some dark place inside of me that is totally afraid and not really connected to God--because God promises us hope in all things, and he promises that even when our lives are totally messed up because of the consequences of other people's choices, that He will turn all things to good for those that love Him. He promises the opposite of all my "nevers". But my "nevers" seem to have taken a hint from my speedy bike riding and unless I am really aware and catch myself right away, they just come quicker and quicker and all of a sudden I am in a "feeling sorry for myself" hole and I can't get out. So all these fears come from deep, desperate desires that I actually believe that God gives all of us. It is good to want to be loved, and to have dreams, and to want to know that you are going to have a place to live, und so weiter...but what we were created for first and foremost is to LOVE God and desire Him. Why is it so easy to just have those desires become like giant toddlers that are pulling on the hem of our pants and ripping them to shreds? I have been trying since I have been here to really ABIDE with be really aware of when I am walking with Him and attuned to Him and when I am not...usually the first sign that I am not is anxiety. And anyway, the last few days a really great reminder for me has been about surrender. If I am really in a place of surrender with God, I have to be willing to take my hands off of my life completely and truly want Him and His will, whatever that may be, first. I believe He has created me to sing--for sure. But if I let it go, and almost imagine that I don't care...or at least try to really, really re-prioritize my desires so that I would be willing to not ever sing again for another person (that may be a bit extreme but it helps me to be extreme when we're talking in terms of surrender---because it's not like we're giving God just a piece of ourselves, it's our whole lives and our whole selves) ...I don't know, probably not doing a great job of explaining this, but when I am really intentional about flinging my entire being in God's direction, it brings such peace and joy. Incredible peace and joy...just like He promises. Sometimes it is easier than others, I have noticed. Sometimes there are so many lies swarming around me I feel like I have been bitten by 1000 bees and I am all puffy and swollen...but as I pick out the stingers...k, kind of a cheesy analogy here, but while I feel like I'm being preachy I may as well throw in a bit of cheese...sometimes it takes a bit of time to just locate the stingers is what I mean. And then God can help with the rest when I invite Him to. And He can come and heal all those's like the "never bees" just have these sweet spots in me that they love to come right back to over and over again...
Anyway, please pray for me that I can be even more and more aware of when I am in a place of surrender and when I am not. And please pray that I can have the strength and wisdom to turn to God and let go of the things that I am holding on to. It truly is a battle and I need my sweet friends to fight for me in prayer. I feel so alone here sometimes. Also, please pray that my desire for God would be just bigger and bigger. Isn't it strange how often we can get mad at God for not getting our way about something, but then we could kind of care less if we are out of communion with Him for awhile? Just kind of goes to show where our desire lies...I really want so much to spend my life enjoying HIM and the gifts that he gives every day...I just read the other day from Ps 90 I think it was, that He delights in every detail of our lives. I love that. I pray that you all as well will be experiencing Him in very real and extraordinary ways. 

I have been getting a lot of social time in the last few days which has been nice. Continuing to meet new people and getting to know a couple better. Still have no idea about the apartment situation as of yet. And haven't heard back from any other agents about auditions. I can't believe I have already been here for two weeks now. Zeit fliegt! 

1 comment:

  1. Time flies? Ha, ha...that's my guess for what you said in German, there at the end.
    I'm praying. I get the lies (different ones in many ways, but really deep down they are all the same) too and it is such a struggle. Fighting is hard. But we aren't's hard not to feel that way sometimes, but maybe clinging to it until it sinks in again is a big part of what we can do. I think you're right, though. Surrender is key. I'm not so good at that. But, I'm praying...for you!!