Monday, September 28, 2009

Stupid Bike Seat Stealer...

Went outside today, on this grey Berlin day, on my way to yoga and my bike seat was gone. Just not there. My bike looked so sad. It had been raped and mistreated. I rode my bike without the seat the 15 minutes to my yoga class and then afterwards went to a bike shop and got a new one. The new one is okay, honestly a little bit more comfortable. But I miss the old one. We had something going there. We had a connection. My bike looks different now. And feels different too...I will have to adjust. Ahh...how painfully that feels like life. 

When stuff like that happens it is hard to know how to deal with it. Sometimes I hate change. Every once in awhile it is a welcome friend...but most of the time...an unwanted visitor that beats your door down. I have always loved this verse--"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." Romans 8:28. I really believe this verse. I believe that God can and does take terrible circumstances and the consequences of others poor or harmful choices and transforms them. He uses them for good and blessing in the lives of those who love Him. I have seen that true many times in my life. I pray that He would help me to believe it even more. I believe that he can take my stolen bike seat and give me a gift somehow through that ...maybe it will end up being easier on my neck and shoulders to have it adjusted at the new place it is now...or maybe because it is a different level or slightly different position it will work some different muscles in my legs and make my butt look good. Who knows what wonderful things are in store. 

I am working on believing this also in my life in regards to being newly single. Man, it really sucks. It is just such a hard, sad thing and I am really struggling. I feel really just unwanted, unwantable. And it is hard for me to believe that that will change. And I know that it is also a result of everything being so new. But...wow. It is hard. I feel like my self-confidence is hiding. I feel needy and pathetic. I feel like sometimes I am going around the city and my insides are saying, "love me, love me...want me". Uuuuuuhg. What a horrible pathetic place to be in. Of course I am talking to God about it alot and when I am able to surrender that pain is lifted for awhile. But it is a constant battle right now because it keeps coming back. I remember so many times when I was married when I would tell my single friends, and very sincerely mean it..."embrace your freedom and singleness! You have no idea how precious that time is...to have time to yourself to just be able to take care of yourself and not have any responsibility towards another person." And now, I feel like...embrace life? Are you kidding? I can't open my arms to any kind of embrace unless it would include another person. Not that I even have that option, and thank God I don't because it would only be self-destructive at this point in time. Oh, friends...please pray for me. I want so much right now to be filled with strength and hope...but not hope for a certain kind of future. Hope in the God that created me to be His love...His lover. I want to be excited about living...and excited about waking up and asking God, "hey, what do YOU want me to do today?" I believe in my head that God has an amazing future for his sweet, little girl....for all of us. But I need more strength right now to believe it in my heart. Like it says in the Bibel (as they say here) though, even the demons believe and shudder. I pray for the kind of faith that just knows, in a moment to moment kind of way. More than just belief.  I've had it before...but everything just keeps on freakin' changing. What is WITH that? Maybe some wonderful gifts are on the way...maybe ...if you have any ideas or imaginings about what that could be I would love to hear them. Missing you, Schöne Leute. (beautiful people) :) 

3 comments:

  1. Oh, my heart...your heart!
    I'm sorry about your bike seat! I hope the new one is, in the end (no pun intended. Actually, pun totally intended), WAY better than the old one.
    As far as change...it is so hard. Especially when it's unwanted. You are brave. And you are in some dependable hands. They are big enough to hold the whole world, yet there you are standing out in the midst of it. Loved. LOVED.

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  2. wow friend. i just caught up on your past two weeks and so much has been happening. and your engagement with it all is lovely to read. i am inspired by your willingness to engage with life. thanks for honestly sharing the good and hard. i laughed with joy at your connection to the verse in this - that God might bring you something better b/c your bike seat was stolen. what a beautiful way to approach life. you ask for prayer to be hopeful and i see it already shining in words. may you live in the blessings of the LORD as you continue to rest in Him. love you!

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